I DID NOT WRITE THIS! A man named John E. Citrone did. So please, don’t be mad at me for any offensive language.
How to Avoid Being Attacked by A Serial Killer
“In the modern age, we’ve all been faced with evils unheard of in the distant past. Technology kills, tyrants and political leaders wipe out entire populations in seconds, and the term “serial killer” is now a household word. Though there’s probably no way to stop high-tech murder machines and power-hungry zealots from blowing up countries, we can give you a few practical strategies for avoiding gruesome death at the hands of a Dahmer copycat.
The first and easiest way to avoid being murdered by a serial killer should be obvious:
- Marry a Serial Killer
Odd but true, serial killers rarely rape, torture and murder their wives. In fact, they rarely, if ever, kill their children, parents or siblings. There are a couple of reasons for this.
One: Maintaining the illusion of a normal family life is key to avoiding capture. The more normal you look, the less likely you are to attract attention. Kill your wife or kid, and your run is over.
Two: Guilt. Yes, serial killers are capable of feeling guilt, just not for their prey. They do, however, loathe themselves for the suffering they cause their family members. So find a psycho killer and marry that asshole. Who knows, you might even get a nice lampshade out of the deal.
- Team Up With a Serial Killer
The close relative to marrying a serial killer is actually befriending a serial killer. You don’t have to kill anyone. Just express a fascination for his predilection for murdering lots of strangers. He’ll more than likely try to impress you with his kill history, and you’ll be in the clear – provided you don’t piss him off.
- Become a Serial Killer
Well, seriously, have you ever heard of a serial killer killing another serial killer? Even if you’re the nomadic type, traveling the countryside shooting, choking and stabbing, chances are you aren’t looking for some psychotic dude with whom to do battle. If you’re the stay-at-home type — killing after midnight and heading home just before breakfast or even better, bringing victims to the house and offing them in the basement while the wife is at bridge club — the likelihood of running into a likeminded sicko is nil. Once word gets out people are disappearing, your competition is leaving town or, at the very least, will stay away from neighborhood.
- Don’t Live in Florida
- Don’t Be a Hooker
If you need this explained to you, you probably deserve to be chopped up and left in a ditch by the side of the road.”
Written by John E. Citrone
My own advice as a street/cage fighter and a woman trained in self defense: Go outside your home at night to check and see if anyone can see through your windows. You might be surprised; my daughter had blinds and curtains up in her bedroom yet a man still was able to see her! He pounded on her windows and told her he was watching while she was nude trying on her new clothes. Surveillance video proved he’d been coming to watch her undress often. She was on the news for this last year and no, the man has not been caught despite the video!
If you’re an American woman, be armed with something – whether it’s a blade (learn to use it first, there are tutorials on YouTube!), firearm, etc. Tasers and spray are better than nothing, but they also offer a false sense of security as a percentage of the population isn’t phased by them – this is especially true if the attacker is high on speed! If nothing else, carry your car keys between your knuckles. If all else fails, keep a roll of coins or two handy because if you hold it on the palm of your hand, it makes your punch much more solid; you’ll do a lot of damage. If you’re shopping at night, park up front and NEVER by a van; always check the back seat before getting in, and it never hurts to look under your vehicle. And most importantly, whatever you do, never ever EVER let a kidnapper take you from point A to point B! It’s better to be killed quickly on site than it is to be tortured and raped slowly once you’ve been taken to the place where your attacker feels comfortable. Remember, it takes less than 5 pounds of pressure to break a foot so stomp on his foot hard! Also, attack his eyes! Remember, if he can’t walk he can’t fight and if he can’t see he can’t fight. Stay safe, y’all! I never again want to write about one of my own readers! 💜
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